Mama, You Are Doing a Great Job

{Photo credit: Mary Rasch Photography}

I recently had a conversation with a friend on the way to a high school football game. She has great kids. She really does. They are kind, polite and very funny, but she was lamenting about how they are difficult to parent. I told her she’s doing a great job and that her kids are really great kids, to which she replied, somewhat reluctantly and not believing me, “Thank you, but…” I can’t remember what followed the “but,” but it was something that minimized the fantastic job of parenting that she is doing. 

Each stage of parenting comes with its challenges. Infants are exhausting and demanding. Toddlers are finicky and emotional. Preschoolers just want to do it by themselves. Teenagers are toddlers reincarnated. I came to the realization not long ago that at any stage in his development, Griffin, my eldest son, was and is doing exactly what he should be doing. The tricky part is figuring out how to parent each stage. It seems that once I figured out what worked at any given stage, he’d be on to the next always one step ahead of me. While remembering that he’s doing what his body and brain are biologically wired to do at any given moment, it doesn’t make arguments or discipline any easier, but it does give me more patience. Still, most days I fall into bed thinking of all the things I could have done differently.

We are all experts of our own kids, regardless of how good or how bad we feel we are doing. I work with many families in my job as an outpatient and inpatient pediatric speech therapist; families in crisis, moms with chemical dependence, dads who have lost jobs, and any number of other non-ideal, stressful life and personal situations. Yes, parents’ decisions can have devastating effects on children’s emotional, mental and physical well-being, I see it every day. Some moms have demons that pull more strongly than mothering. Some moms have had life experiences that have lent themselves to parenting in a way that some would see as undesirable. Even “those” moms are doing the best that they can, even though the best seems to fall very short. It is so easy to forget that and jump to judgment quickly when we see situations that are different than what we would choose to do. Our parenting values can be different and we can still raise good humans.

As women and moms, we are continually made to feel we are not good enough. Whether it is the lists of things we should be doing with our babies, the lists of things we shouldn’t be doing with our teenagers, things telling us we need to look skinnier or younger or more stylish or the any number of things you can find on the internet that tell us how to do everything in our lives better. There is constant comparison to other women who seem to have it more together than we do at any given time. Social media allows people to filter and spit shine what life looks like. We comment on cute pictures and funny Facebook statuses. What makes it so hard to remind each other that each and every one of us is enough and is doing enough?

Although I am writing about being enough, I am not immune to the critics in my own head. I often feel as though I am slighting my teenager because much of my energy is taken up with care-giving and medical management for my littlest. The feelings of inadequacy are strong. Then my teenager does something that completely astounds me. Whether it is fixing brakes for a friend when the mechanic is out of town or carrying on a lovely conversation with an adult stranger, and I realize that, despite all the doubts, we did something right. You are doing something right, too.

I challenge everyone to take time to remind the moms in your life that they are doing a lot right. You love your kids, and it probably feels like some days you love them more than others. You are parenting them to the best of your abilities given all the things you have to balance in your life. Even when their clothes don’t match or they still have yesterday’s breakfast in their hair, kids are amazing humans and you had something to do with that. Take it from me, a mom who just about constantly wonders if she’s doing enough – you are enough. I am lucky to have people in my life that remind me of that when I am struggling to keep my head above water.

Today, I will be that person and tell you… You are doing a great job. You are doing enough. You are enough.