Hey, I’m Scared Too: Diary of a New Foster Mom

We had been in the process of adopting from Uganda for the past 7 months, when on a random Monday laws changed that caused our adoption to hit the brakes with a screeching halt. I was wrecked. Beside myself, really. A good friend who loves me hard and well, asked some prodding questions to get me thinking. I know she really wants the best for me, so instead of taking offense to her questions – I took them to heart. “Are you for orphans in general? Or just international orphans?” She went on to say, “Because I know there is a desperate need in our community for foster families, and maybe you should think about it.”

{ Photo credit: New Earth Natural Light }

For the sake of honesty, I’m going to keep it really real here. Foster care has always seemed scarier to me than international adoption – which is maybe why I hadn’t given it much airtime in my heart as we looked over our options. International adoptions seemed pretty certain. You pay your dues + you get your home study + you fill out your mile high stack of paperwork = you get to bring home a child. I had romanticized the whole situation in my brain. But here I was, I had done all the things and government changes half a world away slammed the brakes on all of my plans.

I believe people are made for different journeys, but the more I have dug into some major truth and into my own heart I have rooted up this reality: If you are for orphans – you ARE for all orphans. You are for the orphan in your community AND the ocean a world away. You don’t have to pick one. One is not more valiant or more courageous. Loving brave means looking with compassion at every need – near and far and asking, “How can I engage?”

{ Photo credit: New Earth Natural Light }

A month after that conversation, my husband and I sat across from a county social worker in our dining room. Our two kiddos were running circles around us yet she was grace filled as she answered our million and one questions. I found out a lot that day around my dining room table that I can’t un-know. I heard about needs in our little city on the edge of Lake Superior, that I can’t forget. She shared about full shelters, and foster homes at their max capacities because the need is just too much. The sheer desperation for families to make room at their tables, and plant seeds of hope into children’s lives is at an all time high.

My husband saw my tear streaked face and the heartache I couldn’t numb – and we both knew we were in. We got a few papers notarized that day and ordered a set of bunk beds that night. But here is the reality: I’m still scared. We are taking it one day at a time, one placement at a time. There are no guarantees, absolutely zero security. We are open to being a permanent placement for a child but we must prepare our hearts for saying goodbye to kids we will grow to love. We know there will be growing pains, and that it will hurt at times. But the good kind of love gives with no strings attached – it just loves without conditions of what it is going to get back in return. We have 2 (soon 3) small children at home, and we are aware that they will go through these same hardships alongside us. But our dream is that they would learn to dish out hope like it is their job and discover what it means to meet someone where they are at. We expect tough days, but we also anticipate our 3 kiddos being filled as they pour out to each child that walks through our door.

I don’t know where our story will go. I don’t have a single clue when we will get our first placement or what their beautiful faces will look like. I don’t know their names or what it will be like to tuck them into bed for the first time in a strange place to them. I don’t know if there will be more good days than bad. And I don’t know if the seeds of hope we plant into their lives in the time they are with us will ever bloom someday into anything beautiful. But I do know – there is a mighty need and we have some extra space in our square footage and hearts. I do know that I don’t have all the answers or any superpowers but one small, “yes.”

{ Photo credit: New Earth Natural Light }

There will be more to write about as we walk this journey out step by step. But in the meantime, there are carseat classes to take and fire extinguishers to be bought. There are beds to make up and prayers to be uttered as I create our home into a haven. There are fears to be addressed and extra leaves to be added to our wood table. Life has a way of surprising you – of writing a different story than you may have ever dreamt up. Of teaching you to hold everything a bit more freely because you never know the gifts to be taken or the ones to be sweetly placed into your palms.

If you are interested in learning more about the need in our community for foster families, and what it entails to open your home to children in need please visit: http://www.stlouiscountymn.gov/GOVERNMENT/Licensing/Child-Foster-Care-Licensing