The saying is, “the truth will set you free,” so I am going to tell you the truth. I did not enjoy being pregnant. I was afraid to admit this all through my pregnancy and after because I didn’t want to hurt those close to me who were struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss. I was always very careful about what I would say around people, no complaining and always smiling.
Don’t get me wrong, I was very happy that I was able to carry this precious life inside of me but it didn’t mean I always had to enjoy it. There were plenty of things I did enjoy; being able to eat whatever I wanted without being judged, maternity pants, and getting to feel that first flutter of a kick inside my belly. However, there were so many things that I could have done without that no one tells you about when you announce that you are expecting. Everyone just tells you how wonderful it is to be pregnant. Well, I’m going to tell you what no one wants to say – sometimes being pregnant really sucks!
The first three months I was pregnant I was constantly nauseous. I didn’t just want to throw up every once in awhile, but for three solid months, it felt like I was hung over 24/7. Once that stage passed, the heartburn started, and I could not sleep lying down for most of my pregnancy. I ate Tums like they were candy, and the worst part was I craved spicy food, which did not help the situation.
As I got bigger, some different problems arose; constipation, hemorrhoids, constant back pain, knee pain, my feet swelled up, total exhaustion, peeing when I sneezed, constant bathroom breaks, and pretty much never being comfortable. Then there are the people who have no boundaries. I HATE being touched and I have since I was little. When you have a big ol’ pregnant belly sticking out, people think it is their right to touch it. It doesn’t even have to be people you know – random strangers would come up to me and rub my belly.
As I got closer to my due date, and then past my due date, I also got to experience Braxton Hicks contractions, or as my husband calls them, Toni Braxton contractions, which are the most annoying things in the world because by this point I just wanted this baby out of me. It was like my body was teasing me by saying, “Oh, you’re going into labor… just kidding.”
All though my pregnancy I was lying to people, telling them how amazing it was and that I felt great, but that wasn’t even the biggest lie I was telling. Having a baby absolutely terrified me. Not raising the child and having to take care of the baby once he came, but the actual process of giving birth terrified me. Since before I was even pregnant and all through my pregnancy everything I heard was; you have to have a natural birth, you have to experience having your baby without drugs, if you don’t have a natural and unmedicated birth, you have pretty much failed.
From the beginning I knew I wanted to get an epidural. This stuff was invented to help moms through childbirth and I planned on taking full advantage of it. What I have never admitted to anyone was that deep down I wanted to have a c-section even if society told me this was wrong. I went through my pregnancy hiding this fact and went along with the plan to have my baby vaginally with an epidural. This was the plan when we went to the hospital 41 weeks pregnant. As it turns out, after being induced, two days of labor, and getting to six centimeters dilated, the doctor discovered the little guy was breech and I needed an emergency c-section. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I heard this. I knew I was going into a more controlled situation planned out by people who had done this hundreds of times, something I had wanted all along. My husband was terrified but I seemed to go into a more relaxed state; it could have been the pain meds and epidural, but before they cut me open the doctor asked if I had anything I wanted to say. My exact words were, “Just get him out of me!”
My little guy was born September 2, 2015, at 10:48am, and it was the greatest and happiest day of my life. My c-section went smoothly and I recovered quickly with no complications. I was happy, my baby was healthy, and we were ready to start our lives as a family of three.
Some people might look down on me because I had a c-section and the fact that secretly I wanted it. I also know that there are moms out there who feel exactly like me, scared to tell people how they really feel about pregnancy and giving birth. Being pregnant is an amazing thing but it’s not always a walk in the park. It is hard and can take a toll on your mind and body. Mamas, don’t hold in how you feel; complain if you want or rejoice and be happy, everyone experiences pregnancy differently, and if you don’t fit the “normal” pregnancy mold, that doesn’t mean you are wrong and have to hide your true feelings.
In the end, it doesn’t matter how your baby comes into your life; natural home birth, water birth, medicated hospital birth, c-section, or adoption. All that matters is that you do what is right for your family, that mom and baby are healthy and happy, and that baby will be loved unconditionally.
Well, there is it – the truth. It took some sleepless nights and a few rough drafts, but I was finally able to tell everyone how I really feel. Honestly, the saying is right, the truth does set you free… but now I have a baby to take care of, and let’s be honest, it will be at least another 20 years before I feel free again.